On Sep 2, 2014 I hurt everyone I hold dear – my mum and my son. I tried to take my own life. The thing is, I was convinced that I was acting in their best interests. I truly believed that their lives would be better off without me. That’s the dark filter that depressive episodes taint your thoughts with. What is truly irrational, is skewed by the Black to seem rational.
Nonetheless, the attempt occurred. The hurt was caused.
How do I forgive myself for causing that hurt? How do I forgive myself for so recklessly casting aside their love?
These are questions I face each day and so far I haven’t been able to answer them. I haven’t forgiven myself. Truth be told, I still don’t like myself much and it’s hard to forgive what you don’t like.
That’s another taint caused by depressive episodes. The illness, the Black, causes you to loathe yourself as you find yourself wanting in each and every aspect of your life.
I’m working to like myself. My hope is that if I accomplish this forgiving will follow. Until then, I look in the mirror and watch the self loathing. Some days it’s receded, just a tiny bit. Other days, it’s grown. The good news is that the days when the self-loathing recedes outnumber the days it grows.
I’ve a long way to go but I know I’m on the right path. Please be patient as I work through it.